Reflections - Living in the Moment

Living in the Moment

When making life-altering decisions

What does it mean to ‘live in the moment’? This phenomenon is best exemplified by Mahendra Singh Dhoni (MSD), the swashbuckling Indian Cricket Captain, with near universal recognition and appeal, even among those who do not follow the game of cricket.

MS Dhoni won the country many matches across T20, One-Day and Test Cricket including World Cups. On the field, he had an expression of deep concentration. It was like a mask stuck to his face. None could read his emotions. He did not show any. May be when a wicket fell. I suspect more as encouragement for the bowler or catcher of the ball.

Contrast Dhoni on-field demeanor with Virat Kohli, the present Indian captain after Dhoni. Even when Dhoni took decisions that swung matches in India’s favor, the expression on Dhoni’s face was one of a routine decision. It was very rare that he said or did something that went against the grain of who he was - ‘Captain Cool’.

Dhoni was asked by a sports reporter once, “How is it that you are always so cool and collected even in cliffhanger matches?”

Dhoni’s answer was a simple one. “I live in the moment.”

Let’s understand more deeply what that remark meant by giving an example from the inaugural 2007 ICC World T20 against Pakistan at the Wanderers Stadium, Johannesburg, South Africa. It was the finals. That too with Pakistan. The emotions in both countries border on jingoism.

It was MS Dhoni's first assignment as the captain of the Indian cricket team. Misbah-ul-Haq, was at the crease with No. 11 batsman Mohammad Asif. The last over, the last wicket, and 13 runs stood between victory and defeat for India.

Dhoni had to choose between Harbhajan Singh (Bhajji), a tried and tested bowler, and Joginder Sharma, a less experienced bowler, but who had one key skill – he could bowl, unflinchingly, exactly at the same spot - all six balls of the over. Dhoni felt that Harbhajan Singh (Bhajji) was not 100% sure of getting yorkers in the death over.

Dhoni chose Joginder Sharma and gave him the ball with the very reassuring words and definite instructions. “Bowl this over and we will get him out. Don’t bowl according to the batsman playing his shots, but stick to your strength.”

Joginder had studied Misbah’s batting style well and knew Misbah was prone to scooping the ball to the boundaries. Joginder was a swing bowler. The ball was swinging big. He was confident that he would get him out. Dhoni’s ability to read the situation and the talent he had was unmatched and was one of Dhoni’s greatest strengths.

The first ball from Joginder was a wide which proved the extent of pressure Joginder was under. He then produced a dot before being hit by a six by Misbah down the ground.

Even though Misbah had hit Joginder for a six on the second ball of the over, Joginder stuck to the plan bowling on the off stump. Misbah was ready for his stroke. All indications to Joginder was that Misbah was planning a scoop.

Joginder took a judgement call. He changed the length and lowered the speed. Misbah thought it would be a fast ball. With six needed from the last four balls, Misbah tried to improvise and wanted to scoop the ball over the short fine-leg fielder who was standing inside the circle.

Had the ball been quick, like the last three balls (including one wide) that Joginder had bowled, it would have gone over Sreesanth. But, since the ball was slower than normal, when Misbah hit the ball it went up and comfortably landed in Sreesanth’s hands. India won with three balls to spare.

Coming back to MS Dhoni and his remark, “I live in the moment”, what exactly did he mean?  Dhoni has been reported as saying that when the match is on he does not concern himself with the outcome – win, loss or draw.

He focuses on the moment.

What exactly is happening? Why is it happening the way it is? What does he (Dhoni) need to do at that moment to change the course of the match in his favour? Given the conditions, what’s the talent that he has on hand? Which talent can make a difference to sway the match in his favour? And, exactly what does the talent have to deliver at that moment?

When you read the narration above you can sense the answers going - pop, pop, pop - in Dhoni’s head that led Dhoni to give Joginder Sharma the ball.

What, then, is the notion of living in the moment?

Living in the ‘moment’ means that you are not slave to the ‘unchangeable’ past nor are you captive to an ‘undeterminable’ future.  You are completely focused on the present moment. You are able to achieve a level of zen-like ‘mindfulness’.

Partly because your preparation before an event is meticulous. Dhoni, for instance, would have studied the previous India-Pakistan matches and the proclivities of the players on both sides and drawn the necessary lessons from it.  Dhoni and Joginder knew that Misbah liked to play the scoop shot.

The emotions of an uncertain future outcome whether in cricket or in life, depending on your personality type, swings widely from feeling euphoric to feeling abjectly dejected. This was exactly the state of ‘wildness’ or ‘wilderness’ in feelings that Dhoni wanted to pathologically avoid.  

The need was for clear-headedness and crystal-clear thinking. Everything else needed to recede into the background. Other than what was happening in the field at that moment, everything else was completely opaque to Dhoni. The outcome was completely depended on the input at the moment.

The intent and process had to command attention at the moment – not the outcome – as the outcome can only be influenced by the intent and process. It cannot be controlled or mandated.

Each of us can recognize going through such episodes in our life. We are all fundamentally driven by outcomes that we do not control but can only hope that it matches or exceeds our expectations: exam results, job selection, proposal acceptance, medical report, match results. These high-stake events in our life have led to stroke or heart attack in some.

Let’s explore where ‘living in the moment’ or ‘mindfulness’ plays a crucial role in our life. It has a major role in three primary areas and they are in a sense inter-related:

1.   Fostering relationship

2.   Learning

3.   Taking life-altering decisions 

1.   Fostering Relationships through ‘mindfulness’

When we listen attentively to what the other person is saying - not distracted by ambient noise or the mobile phone or something important that you cannot remember - we honour the person. When the attentive listening is mutual it makes for a great relationship. If the conversation is of an emotional nature, listening attentively, demonstrates empathy that can strengthen the ‘other’ without a word being spoken. The worst thing we can do in such situations is provide unsolicited advice.  When we have listened attentively, we can sense some of the aspiration of the ‘other’ and pleasantly surprise the person when the occasion calls for it. It works for everyone’s good. The listener and the communicator in ways beyond our imagination. 

2.   Learning with ‘mindfulness’

There is lot that we can learn from the person when we listen closely including what is unsaid.  Joginder heard Dhoni and executed to the plan. In a business scenario, nothing can be more annoying to a superior when his junior is fidgety, distracted, bored, uninterested, and worse, ‘unmindful’ of the task being discussed leading to only two unfavourable outcomes – the task not being done or done disastrously. This applies to learning too. More can be achieved when we study a subject undisturbed as when competing with other distractions in the environment. 

3.   Taking Life-altering Decisions being ‘mindful’

How do you decide who to marry and build a lifelong relationship? Beyond the externals – colour, weight, height, health and wealth – all of which can change - what should a prospective bride or bridegroom look for in an ideal partner that is not susceptible to aging and circumstances? “The Heart”. “The Mind”. “The Will”. 

But how can that be sensed in cursory meetings between the prospective groom and bride which is how most ‘arranged marriages’ in India happen? In traditional marriages, popping the question “Will you marry me?” in exotic locations rarely happens.  It is the parents of the groom or bride who do the talking. It is more like, “He said, yes” or “She said, yes” to insulate the couple from personal embarrassment of “He or She said, No”.

We need ‘mindfulness’, and if I may add instinct and intuition, to focus on the three ‘sustaining’ factors – the heart, mind and will – to achieve a ‘feel good’ that the prospective marriage will be fulfilling:

1.   The Heart: Does the person come through as kind and caring and concerned about being right with God?

2.   The Mind: Is the person engaging to converse with and has interests that will add new dimensions to the life of the ‘other’?

3.   The Will: Does the person seem like someone who will persist through difficulties to honour the covenanted marriage?

This is idyllic but worth aiming for when the decision is life-altering like no other decision in our life.  Living in the moment, not distracted by what is happening around, will allow each partner to size up the other quickly without prejudice to what the final decision may be.

The ground rules of such contact(s) in traditional scenario should be bereft of the outcome to allow the prospective couple not to feel the pressure that Joginder Sharma felt when his first ball was wide and his second legitimate ball was hit for a six by Misbah.

Keeping your head intact on your shoulders unconcerned by outcomes is ‘living in the moment’.

Christians can learn from Jesus who lived in the moment. While crowds were pressing against Him, He still sensed the power leaving Him when the women with the issue of blood for twelve years touched, not Him, but the helm of his garment. (Luke 8:43-48).

And, it happened repeatedly during His ministry. Spotting Zacchaeus precariously balancing on the tree top to be able to see Jesus or noticing Matthew ‘yielding heart’ in the tax collector’s booth.

Jesus lived in the moment. So, should we even if our mission is not saving mankind from the ‘wages of sin which is death’ and offering the promise of eternal life.

‘Living in the moment’ delivers dividends that no stock on earth can legitimately provide.

Reflection - How God Compensates for Our Lack

How God Compensates for Our Lack

When an American presidential candidate chooses a vice president in the run up to the elections or post winning the elections, he does so with one critical ‘need’ in mind.

Does his choice of the vice-presidential candidate have the competencies and connections to influence the US Congress to support the president in all that he wants to do and achieve during his term?

How critically do we think of this ‘need’ in our own life when choosing a life partner for our ourselves? Do we have a sense of how the person who we are saying ‘yes’ to in holy matrimony will complete us? Are we even aware of the ‘needs’ beyond surface level characteristics, interests, ambitions, education, professional status (and earnings) and family history?

When we have known a person for a long time, perhaps, the need-fit is taken care of. We make the jump accepting the partner’s proposal and then announce to our family of our decision. Then all hell breaks loose or there is quiet acceptance of the ‘surprise’ decision by members of both families. It just the opposite in ‘arranged’ marriages where the family acceptance is as important as the couples accepting each other; in some cases, the family dynamics has a larger role.

When we are in a friendly relationship, each one at the end of the day goes back to their respective homes. However, when we are setting up our home, it calls for a different level of emotional maturity to live together sharing space and jointly possessing everything. We are committed for good and for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us apart. None can predict the future. But, the future, whatever it is, will make demands; it will test the frailty and strength of the relationship - the bond – which barely 50% of the married couples in the developed economy survive.

What is the missing ingredient that does a marriage apart before “unto death" does’?

The unpredictability of the future and the ‘divinity’ of the couple to honor their marital vows. “Marriages are made in heaven” and on heaven our eyes must be set to find fulfillment in our married life.

When the marriage in indeed conceived in heaven, as it ought to be, we can be assured of God’s provision to sustain the goodwill on the part of both partners to live out their marital vows. When we seek God’s consent and seek his will in the choice of the partner, you can be assured that He will bless with a partner who complements you in what you’re lacking and what is your liking.

Marriage is a Sacrament. There are three who form a covenant. Man, woman, and Jesus.

When a marriage falls apart there is only one reason for it: Jesus the third partner, had not been acknowledged and heeded by one or the other partner or by both the partners.

Jesus stands at the threshold of the ‘new’ home, knocking at the door, asking to come in and sup with the couple, to share His wisdom, and iron out their differences, if any. (Rev 3:20)

In any marriage, when two alien minds come together there are bound to be differences. At the basic level there will be gender level differences, which is natural, but can be a cause for stress in the marriage, if not understood and worked upon by both the partners.

The BIG one is the differences arising from each one’s upbringing. Some have a secure upbringing with nothing much lacking in their life. They tend to be serene, sure of themselves in a nice way, unruffled generally with life’s ups and downs, unless it is something too personal for them and beyond their comfort zone.

Others, who have had an insecure upbringing, tend to be guarded at one level. Providentially though, the same insecurity that pervades their life, also helps them build counteracting strengths that helps them accomplish much in their life.

Some, of course, are beaten by their insecurities and fall prey to all the ills of life. Though some do recover remarkably and are a great source of support for those in similar situations. They are able to empathize. They know the agony of being in a state of perpetual insecurity.

The other manageable differences are really to do with holding diametrically opposite opinion on just about every issue or topic on hand. These could be differences in approaches to child rearing with long-term implications, differences in taste in food or friends, differences in preferred source of entertainment or relaxation, differences in spending and managing expenses, differences in family status - who brings in what to the family kitty … the differences can be ad infinitum … all happening while continuing to be committed to making a life together…until break point … when life becomes unbearable for one partner or both … and its kaput for the covenanted marriage.

We have two biblical examples of marriages that nearly did not happen and needed God’s intervention. We too need to pray for these interventions to have a good God anointed marriage and when we are faced with challenges post our marriage.

It happened to the first family when Joseph learnt that Mary was with child. Archangel Gabriel intervened. (Matthew 1:18-25)

Tobias had to survive the demon Asmodeus who had killed all of Sarah’s previous seven husbands.  Tobias survived thanks to the intervention of Archangel Raphael.

Like Archangel Raphael who stood in the breach for Tobias and Sarah, St Gabriel stood in the breach for Mary and Joseph to bridge and build the relationships.

The two examples are an illustration of the holiness of marriage and God’s direct intervention through His archangels to save covenanted marriages.

Good and long-lasting marriages have some characteristics that bear remembering:

A. The marriage must be permitted and approved by the elders, especially the parents, which is an invitation by the elders and the parents to welcome the couple to each other’s community and to receive their combined blessings – from both the families and the communities. It is a way of giving reverence to the fourth commandment of God: Honor their father and your mother in which rests the promise of prosperity and long life.

These blessings would be both - spiritual and material - to help the couple to set up their own home, since the couple’s individual networth at their age will not be enough – and to that extent their home with the essentials needed becomes that much more welcoming when the parents, relatives and friends visit home – to provide a comfortable stay or reception for them.

B. The couple themselves must sanctify the marriage by giving precedence to prayer and worship – thanking the Lord for the union – before consummation of their marriage, as advised by Archangel Raphael to Tobias and Sarah who diligently obeyed.

It was just not the fish heart and liver on the incense which did the trick of saving Tobias’ life and their marriage, but their thanksgiving prayer which with the incense rose to the heavens making the demon flee from their life and from ever interfering in their marriage.

C. The church sanctifies the marriage in the Eucharistic celebrations through the presence of Jesus as the third partner in the marriage. The couple too must carry that moment in their hearts for their rest of their life. Let not the Eucharistic celebration simply be a photo-op for posterity, rather a living and elevating part of the marriage bond.

D. The children the couple bear should be raised with the tenets of the Christian faith hung like an amulet round their neck – a constant reminder to who they owe their life to, and the blessings they enjoy and the threats that are repelled without their knowing.

E. The differences that will be part of any married couple’s life must be sorted out in prayer before retiring to bed – on the very first night if possible, if not at least the second, but definitely by the third. A delay would only make reconciliation ever so harder with every passing day. And, every day so lived is keeping the Good Lord, locked out from our life, even though He knocks fervently to open the door to Him, so that He can sup with us and rekindle the loving spirit as only He can.

F. Remember as married couples with children, we must aim to be role models to our children and for the community in praise of God Almighty. He is the only reason that marriages remain strong and provide joy that is matchless and cannot be had by any other means.

Marriage is a sacred contract, pure in its purpose "to go forth and multiply", that keeps us connected to God when lived "covenanted" in the shadow of His presence.