Be nice when they are alive
I leaned over a hard armrest to pick up a cable on the floor to plug into my dying laptop. I almost died. Pop goes the weasel! is a popular nursery rhyme. I should know as a granddad. My ribs did not quite make that sound. If they did, I would not be ‘all fingers and thumbs’ on the keyboard. I would be punching with my index fingers and doing no better.
My daughter once commented that I was self-deprecating in my communication. She warned of false humility. Just like you, I reached for the dictionary to ‘pop’ the meaning of ‘deprecating’. What do you think? Is being deprecating of oneself false humility? Or being one’s true self?
It also reminds me of someone else who commented on this discussion and said that if someone is deprecating of himself or herself, he or she has every reason to be. I said, ‘touché’. See, it was not false modesty. I have no achievement to speak of. My daughter was now saddened and confused. Is my dad really the great guy she thought I was, or I wasn’t? We shall leave it for my obituary. People always say good things. My daughter, too, will be forced to. She won’t be deprecating. What is over might as well be done with.
Why wait for the obituary? Why can’t we say nice things all the time, even if it feels forced and ingenuine? St Paul says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thes 5:16-18)
How do we pray persistently? Monks do it. They pray 24/7, even in their sleep, while copying scrolls, and eating. The Carthusian brothers live together in isolation and do not speak to each other for days except on designated days.
So can we, but it is not recommended if you prize your job or want to keep your friends. What should you do to keep your job and have friends? Always be nice, affirmative in your words, be encouraging, offer to pray, not to advise, for our advice will be fraught with our sinfulness.
“This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” (Rom 3: 22-24)
Life is fickle in its certainty. One moment you are Arnold Schwarzenegger, feeling fit as a fiddle. Then your rib is fiddling the hard armrest, not music to the ears, I can guarantee you. Moreover, the law entered, that the offence might abound. But where sin abounded, grace did much more abound” (Rom 5:20)
The unexpected offence on my ribs filled me with the worst of fears. I know of a person who injured his ribs, which punctured his lungs, and had to be put on life support. I hear someone sneeze, and I am dashing to the bomb shelters. But the Word says where there is offence, grace abounds. I offered my tiny-weeny suffering in unity with Jesus’ bone-shattering agony, in a manner of speaking, for we know from the Word of God that “Not one of His bones will be broken.” (Jn 19:36)
In life, most things are relative. If I own a bicycle, an upgrade for me would be a motorised two-wheeler. For Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos, an upgrade will not be a Boeing Dreamliner, but a rocket to spend the weekend with friends to get away from the hoi polloi. Suffering too is relative. There is physical, mental, emotional, psychological, financial, and social suffering. Ask community members to rank suffering; our own suffering will rank #1. Really? More than Jesus’ suffering?
Given what is happening in the world, the Catholic Church, the only beacon of hope, seemingly, has begun to place enormous stress on marriage preparation, for it is observed only in the breach. A family is the microcosm of society. If the family is failing, so is the society. We don’t need hard statistics. We can see it in our own communities and know it is endemic, worse than Ebola or Covid-19. While there are vaccines for diseases caused by viruses, bacteria, and germs, what is the remedy for a marriage on the rocks?
“And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock, I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.” (Mt 16:18) Jesus could well be speaking of the Sacrament of Marriage. To pick just one of the five vows those who are married in the Catholic Church have taken:
“For better, for worse”: The couple accepts the full range of human circumstances. Marriage is not conditional on happiness. This phrase rules out “irreconcilable differences” as grounds for abandoning the vow. The verse “For better, for worse” encapsulates the other vows: “For richer or for poorer”; “In sickness and in health”; “Until death do us part”; “To have and to hold”.
If there is ‘infidelity’ in marriage, the Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches us: IV. Offences Against the Dignity of Marriage - [2381] Adultery is an injustice. He who commits adultery fails in his commitment…compromises the good of human generation and the welfare of children who need their parents’ stable union.
On discovery of infidelity, the mind is in turmoil, and the tongue loosens. Egregious advice floods in. There is talk of revenge. The only worthy advice is “surrender to God”. Recall the marital vows taken at the altar of God. Do nothing to vitiate the matter. Seek a place of ‘peace’ to pray. Make it God’s problem, not yours. Focus on the love you have left in your life. The child or children. Think of their welfare. In it there is wisdom. In it there is privacy. In it there is “the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:7).
Tough but recommended. In all forms of failure in our lives or with the unexpected. We are called to be righteous in these trying times - to do the will of God, not ours. No matter what. “For better or for worse”: This phrase rules out “irreconcilable differences” as grounds for abandoning the vow.
- Mathew Anthony
