Discernment is a prized grace.
When we reach a fork in the road, we must decide which road to take.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveller, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; … I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less travelled by, And that has made all the difference. (Robert Frost)
If we had such an experience. What did we do? Like Robert Frost, we too looked into the distance, took a quick poll with the family in the car, and went with the majority. Spouses decide when children are too young to ask. When each feels differently about the choice, they toss a coin, unwilling to yield to the other. The coin decides, not the hearts.
Bam! We reach a dead end, or the road is unnavigable. The spouses look at each other. The guilty one cannot stand the silence. The one who suggested the other way lets the spouse squirm a bit. The purgatory moment. They back up to the fork and take the other road. And the vistas open up, and they are on the way to civilisation. But it takes a while to restore the civility between them until one apologises for the folly and they are good again. Are they?
No, they are not good. Revenge is still in the air. They will be tested again at another fork in their life. The winner serves. The loser will return the serve. The winner has the advantage. Control of the ball and the court.
If they were a Christian couple, hopefully they would have attended a retreat between the first fork and the second fork in their life. At the retreat, the priest would have spoken about the Holy Spirit, the third person in the Trinity: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
He would have told them: “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Mt 7:7)
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.” (Jn 14:15-17)
At the second fork in their lives, the couple don’t toss a coin or decide the winner will serve. The fervour and zeal of a new convert persist still. They are fertile soil for now. Parable of the Seed (Mt 13) warns us not to become lukewarm.
They agree to ask the Holy Spirit. Each one prays, calling on the Holy Spirit to lead the way. Then each one asks the other what the Holy Spirit said. The one who got it wrong last time puts on the armour of humility, and asks the winner in the last ‘fork-in-the-road’ contest to go first.
What happens when they have received contradictory messages? It is a dilemma. The loser earlier offers to go with the winner’s judgment. The winner fears that if her judgment turns out wrong, they become even. The winner does not want to lose the high ground she is enjoying in the relationship.
They decide they will write ‘Left’ or ‘Right’ on a piece of paper. Then they will pick one of the papers. Whichever direction comes up, they will take that route. They both know what they have written. It was either ‘Left’ or ‘Right’. If both wrote ‘Left’, then there is nothing to complain about when wrong. Should it be right, then both can cheer; they can hear the ‘Holy Spirit’ speak to them.
What if one was right and the other was wrong? Then we are back to a stalemate. Who is more ‘spirited’ than the other? A religious conundrum. If both were wrong, they have to go back to the blackboard to learn how to discern the voice of the Holy Spirit.
When can you hear the voice of the Holy Spirit? When you are pure of heart. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” (Mt 5:8) How do you become pure of heart? When you become capable of love. What is love? To think the ‘good of the other’. (Thomas Aquinas). How do we think the good of the other? Through surrender. Don’t be the boss in the relationship with God or with your spouse. Learn to suspend judgment. Listen. Agree. Disagree. Don’t be disagreeable. That’s when relationships become a knotted tangle.
There are always two voices in our head. The ‘mental fork in the road called life’. It is there all the time. Once we become aware of ‘two voices’, we will always pause and ask ‘who is speaking?’ The ‘troublemaker’ or the ‘waymaker’? We make that decision day in, day out.
It is easy to decide if our intent behind every word we speak or action is clear. What motivates us to speak or act? To hurt or to heal? Transparency or deception? Is it pride or envy that is making us say or do what we have said or done? Or is it humility and surrender to His will or our spouse’s will, without sinful rancour in our heart?
Are we trying to win an argument, or are we saving a person from potential grief? When we are silent, have we given up on the person? We do not even want to try, but let the person learn the hard way, a form of revenge for not heeding our good counsel? Are we hoping to profit, or willing to accept a loss to let the other win?
When we make the right choice, and the outcome is positive, we know we have learnt discernment. When we are at a fork in the road, we do not have to draw lots. We know what the right thing to do is. “What good is it for someone to gain the whole world (the argument), yet forfeit their soul?” (Mk 8:36)
- Mathew Anthony
